AJ Lewis Poetry - Short Stories

The Burglar

It all started with my friend Jeremy. I was bored one night so I prank called him and pretended to be a homicide detective for the police department and went on to tell him that his mother had been found dead and that I needed to see him immediately. He got so upset that on his way to his mom’s house he ended up taking a corner too fast and smashed the front of his car into a chain link fence and then a tree. I felt bad about what I had done, so I decided to think of a new prank call to involve him in to cheer him up.

A few days later after Jeremy was feeling better I went over to his apartment and told him about my idea. He was sitting on his sofa watching TV and drinking a beer. Nothing was on the tube so we decided to do the prank call.

Jeremy and his girlfriend Alicia had broken up a month previous and their relationship ended badly. They were living together with a guy who was deaf in one ear and had limited hearing in the other. His name was Randy and he had answered an ad for a 3rd roommate. About two months after Randy had moved in, Jeremy noticed that Alicia and Randy seemed a bit too friendly and one night after Jeremy got off work, he came home to find the two of them in his bed, and Randy was banging Alicia from behind while she was moaning. Jeremy was furious and the two of them fled the apartment. Alicia tried to apologize but Jeremy ended up kicking her and Randy out.

This is why we decided to prank call Alicia. I had the best idea for it, too. So I went to Jeremy’s computer and picked up my cell phone and dialed her, making sure to block the number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is TTY operator 2257, I have a relay call for you. Have you ever taken a call like this?" I made sure to put a bit of southern accent into it.

There was a short pause and then she said "Yes, go ahead."

I pretended to type a bit on the computer keyboard and then said, "I have Randy on the phone," I paused, "I have something important to talk to you about. Go ahead."

"What is it? Go ahead."

I typed and waited a few moments and then answered her. "I am very deeply sorry but I have to tell you this. I got my results back from my doctor and I did not get good news. Go ahead."

Alicia began breathing heavily into the phone. I could tell that she was sweating about it. "Ask him, I mean, what kind of news? Go ahead."

I felt like laughing - my gut felt like it was about to burst as I typed. Then I said, "My HIV test came back positive. I am very sorry. You were right, we should have used a condom. Go Ahead."

Alicia immediately began crying. I could hear her nose sniffling. It took her a moment to get herself composed and she said, "How could you do this to me. Did you have any idea!"

I waited a few seconds and then I said "Did you say go ahead at the end of that?"

Her cries became louder and then she hung up. Jeremy had been standing next to me the whole time and we began laughing. "That stupid bitch," he said, "she got what she deserved."

After that prank call we went back to watching TV and finished the 12 pack of beer that he had in his fridge. He had a big grin on his face the whole night and I was glad that I had cheered him up.

The next morning Jeremy called me up with some news. Alicia had gone over to his house first thing and confessed that she had gotten AIDS from Randy. I guess she was really apologetic, because she said that she was on her way to go tell Jeremy’s boss that she had AIDS as well. Apparently Alicia had slept with Jeremy’s boss a couple days after having sex with Randy, and had been sleeping with Jeremy’s boss for quite some time. Jeremy was pissed that Alicia had slept with his boss and with Randy, so I began thinking about a new prank call for Jeremy’s boss.

Alicia had visited Jeremy with her big news on a Monday, so we waited until Friday night to pull the new prank call. I had it all worked out and couldn’t wait to unleash it. I had told Randy that on Friday morning to make sure to leave the lights on at his work, as he was usually the last one to leave at night. Jeremy worked at a mom and pop CD store, and his boss was a real creep. How Alicia and Jeremy’s boss ever hooked up is beyond my understanding, but I was ready to teach him a good lesson.

I met Jeremy at his work and gave his work number a call. He was waiting inside and picked up the phone right after the answering machine picked up. I threw my voice a bit and said "Hello, hello, who is this?"

Jeremy waited a minute to answer and then said "uhhh nobody, I’m just here to uhhhh pick up some stuff." He made sure to make his voice sound deeper and rushed.

"Who are you I said, is Cleveland there?" (Cleveland is Jeremy’s boss, and I have always loved making fun of his name.)

Jeremy didn't answer and quickly hung up the phone.

I waited a minute and then called back. The phone rang 5 times and then the answering machine picked up. Jeremy picked up the phone again.

"Hello, hello, is this Cleveland?" I said frantically.

"No, this is uhhhh listen I don’t have time for this, my buddy is waiting out in the truck, we gotta load this stuff up."

"What the hell are you doing," I shouted into the phone, "I’m gonna call the cops!"

"Fuck you! I don’t give a shit, we’ll be long gone before those fuckin’ pigs get here." Jeremy sounded mean and to the point. I was surprised at how well he was pulling this off.

I hung up my phone and then got out of my car. Jeremy met me at the back entrance, with the lights still on in the shop. We got into my car, and as we were about to leave, we noticed that Cleveland had pulled up in his black mustang. I began to form an idea and said, "Hey Jeremy, wanna really fuck with your boss?" He looked at me and laughed, "Sure, sounds like fun."

We waited until Cleveland was in the shop and then called the cops from a payphone near the parking lot. I told them that I had noticed someone suspicious wandering around in the CD shop and gave them the address. Then we went to the back of the shop and pulled the breaker so the lights went out. By the time the cops had shown up, Cleveland had found a flashlight and was trying to feel his way around in the dark. Cleveland had left the front door open and the cops rushed in and threw him against the wall and cuffed him. And I guess they also found the tape machine, because as they dragged Cleveland to the cop car, he was shouting, "Hey, that wasn’t me on tape! What the hell is going on here!"

Jeremy and I had a real good laugh and we went back to his place and watched TV. That stupid fucker Cleveland got what he deserved, and Alicia is probably still crying about the whole ordeal. But I still had a few ideas for Randy, and knew I really had to get him good.